The Elephant in the Room
I know that we are just getting to know each other, but I have a beast that I am consistently battling. Yesterday and today, the beasts ugly head has really come out. I struggled a little on Saturday, but yesterday, and today so far, it has been a real struggle. I battle anxiety and depression. I recently went into out patient therapy to help me become a better person, and learn how to deal with it better. Well, with new things that have come about in our family, and lack of time, I quit. I felt as if it would be better for the family if I quit, as it was two hours a day four days a week. It was a struggle for me to continue on, and with a discussion with my husband I quit. It was not something that I had discussed with him, I just did it, because at the time, it felt right. The last few days I regret making that decision. I have been contemplating "re-admitting" myself after summer. I am using a lot of my skills that I learned, but it doesn't change the fact that my heart is in a million pieces right now.
For almost two years now, my biological daughter and I have been struggling. We were the best of friends, and relied on each other for a lot of stuff. As she grows her wings and becomes her own individual, we have been struggling to find where/what our relationship is. I am so proud of her, I want her to become everything that she wants, and can be. I love her with everything little thing that I have, and unconditionally beyonds words. Unfortunately she was dealt a bad hand in this thing we call life. Her father and I divorced when she was a very young age. I was diagnosed with cancer a few short years later, we found out she has a half sister that is less than a year younger than her, etc etc etc. I also truly think that she is struggling with the fact that she is off to college, about 600 miles away, and missing out on things.
We had an incident yesterday, and incident that should have not gone as far as it did, but it did, and here we are. I am hurt, mistakes have been made between the two of us. She is hurt, and we are both struggling. My instincts are saying to fight hard for our relationship, but my heart says that she no longer wants or needs me, and to just move on. She holds onto grudges, and I must admit, I was the same exact way. The older I get, the more forgiving I am, the more patient I am, and I have learned to pick my battles more wisely. She shows a lot of signs of being me, too much almost. But the one things that I have tried to instill in my children is to be positive thinkers. And she is not in a position, and has not been for a while, to be positive. I think that she also needs help, but she is refusing. I think that she has anxiety and depression herself, but she is not in a place to see it herself.
So my struggle is real, I am raw, hurt, disappointed, mad, and feel lost. I love her enough to walk away, so she can find herself and let me know when she is ready. But, then, I feel like how the hell is a mom able to do that? Am I making the right decisions, am I being logical and in the right mind? I feel like I am in the wrong mind, and slowly slipping into a dark place. I struggled getting out of bed today, I have struggled to hold my emotions together, and I have struggled just doing minor tasks today. I know I did not sleep well last night, and that is playing a big role in my emotions. I just wish that I could get out of my head, and give her space, and know that I have done all that I can to show her my love, encouragement, and everything in between. I just have to keep telling myself that I am doing all I can to become a better person, and of course we will all have bad days, but together we will work it out, one way or another.
I want a fun date, I want some laughter, and some love. I know those few things will help me move on and not care as much. But, my husband is working hard, and I am not sure that he will have the energy to be able to do anything tonight, so I will just relish in the fact that I love my family, I love my life, and wouldn't change much at all.
So to try an make myself happy, I am going to move into the kitchen and do what I do best....cook! I tried the Hasselback potatoes the other day, I will post about that tomorrow. I think that it was well received, but I am not totally sure. Tonight, one of my sons favorite, salmon. It will be a new recipe, but using some zucchini and herbs from the garden. And then I think there will be some cookies also. Haven't totally decided, just know that I need to do something to change my mood.
Have a great one! Do your best to make it the best, be positive and happy! I, myself, am going to do my best to do the same!
For almost two years now, my biological daughter and I have been struggling. We were the best of friends, and relied on each other for a lot of stuff. As she grows her wings and becomes her own individual, we have been struggling to find where/what our relationship is. I am so proud of her, I want her to become everything that she wants, and can be. I love her with everything little thing that I have, and unconditionally beyonds words. Unfortunately she was dealt a bad hand in this thing we call life. Her father and I divorced when she was a very young age. I was diagnosed with cancer a few short years later, we found out she has a half sister that is less than a year younger than her, etc etc etc. I also truly think that she is struggling with the fact that she is off to college, about 600 miles away, and missing out on things.
We had an incident yesterday, and incident that should have not gone as far as it did, but it did, and here we are. I am hurt, mistakes have been made between the two of us. She is hurt, and we are both struggling. My instincts are saying to fight hard for our relationship, but my heart says that she no longer wants or needs me, and to just move on. She holds onto grudges, and I must admit, I was the same exact way. The older I get, the more forgiving I am, the more patient I am, and I have learned to pick my battles more wisely. She shows a lot of signs of being me, too much almost. But the one things that I have tried to instill in my children is to be positive thinkers. And she is not in a position, and has not been for a while, to be positive. I think that she also needs help, but she is refusing. I think that she has anxiety and depression herself, but she is not in a place to see it herself.
So my struggle is real, I am raw, hurt, disappointed, mad, and feel lost. I love her enough to walk away, so she can find herself and let me know when she is ready. But, then, I feel like how the hell is a mom able to do that? Am I making the right decisions, am I being logical and in the right mind? I feel like I am in the wrong mind, and slowly slipping into a dark place. I struggled getting out of bed today, I have struggled to hold my emotions together, and I have struggled just doing minor tasks today. I know I did not sleep well last night, and that is playing a big role in my emotions. I just wish that I could get out of my head, and give her space, and know that I have done all that I can to show her my love, encouragement, and everything in between. I just have to keep telling myself that I am doing all I can to become a better person, and of course we will all have bad days, but together we will work it out, one way or another.
I want a fun date, I want some laughter, and some love. I know those few things will help me move on and not care as much. But, my husband is working hard, and I am not sure that he will have the energy to be able to do anything tonight, so I will just relish in the fact that I love my family, I love my life, and wouldn't change much at all.
So to try an make myself happy, I am going to move into the kitchen and do what I do best....cook! I tried the Hasselback potatoes the other day, I will post about that tomorrow. I think that it was well received, but I am not totally sure. Tonight, one of my sons favorite, salmon. It will be a new recipe, but using some zucchini and herbs from the garden. And then I think there will be some cookies also. Haven't totally decided, just know that I need to do something to change my mood.
Have a great one! Do your best to make it the best, be positive and happy! I, myself, am going to do my best to do the same!
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